Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Some Called Her an Embryo, I Called Her My Angel

I was sharing this story with a class I was teaching recently.
Now, I would like to share it with you.

Her name is Angel.

She is my baby.

The day that I found out I was pregnant, I began dreaming of Angel. I rushed from the bathroom with pregnancy test in hand. Pointing to the double stripes on the stick, I said to Firehubby, “Oh my gosh, it’s positive! Our babies are going to be 14 months apart!" My mind was racing. Our lives had changed, in those two short minutes. "We’re gonna need a new car, there is no way they both are going to fit in the back seat!” I exclaimed.

Later that night, I settled onto the sofa with 5 month old Scout, nestled against my chest. I envisioned myself rocking my two babies together, one in each arm.

Angel was very real to me, from that moment in time. She was my child.

She was my dream and my hope for the future.

That wondrous day, she was a tiny c-shaped life; 1/8th inch long.

Over the next weeks, I was continuously aware of her presence. She was very real to me, as nausea ruled my world.

Here is a picture of what Angel would have looked like at 8 weeks.

An ultrasound image of a baby at this gestational age does not really allow you to see any detail, like the arms and legs.This picture was really helpful to me, because I could see that in her last days as an embryo, Angel was taking on a more recognizable form. She was not quite an inch long at this age, but was growing quickly!

Although I did not find out for another two weeks, Angel’s life had ended, shortly after 8 weeks.

My dreams were shattered.
My heart was broken.
My baby was not coming home to be rocked with her brother.

My grief had begun.

It has been 11 years now, and the intensity of my pain has diminished. God had a new plan for our lives. Within a few months, I was pregnant again. Scout and Princess were born 18 months apart.

The Princess is my joy and I am grateful for her beyond words...

But, I will never forget my baby…my precious Angel.


April said...

Boy, did that ever hit home! When Brittany was several years old, I suffered two miscarriages within a 9-month period. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through and both were experiences I will never forget. I had bonded with my babies and to hear the news that there was no longer a heartbeat was devastating beyond words. Thankfully, I have the assurance of knowing I will meet them in Heaven one day. What a joyful day it will be! So sorry for your loss.

He And Me + 3 said...

I will not forget mine either...Praise the Lord that He heals all our hurts & that our angels are being taken care of by the best Father ever now.

Mighty M said...

Thanks for sharing, many of us, myself included have experienced this kind of loss. We move on, but we never forget.

Momma_Hug said...

Thank you for this post. We lost a baby at 8 weeks also. It was very real. I heard the very loud beating, healthy heartbeat and saw the very much alive baby moving on screen just a few days before I miscarried. It was hard to go through. I actually hated my body for a very long time becuase it didn't protect something so precious.
Thank you for sharing about your loss. I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry that you all had to go through something like this, but just know that one day you will all see your "angels" when we are in heaven with our heavenly father.

Beth E. said...

What a sweet post. I'm so sorry for your loss. How wonderful that you are able to minister to others as a result of that loss! Praising God for your two beautiful, healthy children.

Elaine at Matters of the Heart) said...

What a wonderful post. Oh, how I can relate.

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

What a fantastic blog you have going here. I love it and I followed you over from He, Me & Three.
We have three prinesses, and one lol Prince.
Sadly, they are all grown now. Cherish this time that you have with your little ones. It will be gone before you blink :)
If you have a moment or two of your life that you'd care to waste, please visit me at my blog and say hello.
Take good care and........

Steady On
Reggie Girl

Anonymous said...

Your memories are so very precious and this tribute to your lovely angel is so heartwarming. Thank you for posting this.

Jessica D. said...

Thanks for sharing, I too have an Angle.

mrosev14 said...

That is a heart warming story. It is true that to some at the gestational age they are just a fetus, but I am assuming that is must be completely different when you are carrying this baby inside you.

chickadee@afamiliarpath said...

i lost a baby before tess at about 10 weeks. i got to see her too because i chose not to do the dnc and instead finish the miscarriage at was incredible.

Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

That was a great story...I am honestly always on the edge of my seat..I never know where you are going but I always LOVE where you end up!!!

Becca~TimeWellSpent said...

Oh Julie. I am so sorry you went through this.

Helene said...

Julie, I'm so sorry you experienced this loss. I've had 3 pregnancy losses and reading this post really hit home for me. It's devastating and I don't think anyone who's experienced ever forgets the babies that have been lost. My husband marvels that I still remember the special milestones of each of our losses (like the date we found out I was pregnant, ultrasound appointments, the date of the miscarriage). I light a candle for each baby on the anniversary of the loss.

This post was a beautiful tribute to your angel baby. Thank you for sharing it.

I'll have an award on my blog for you tomorrow (Thursday)

Rachel said...

So glad you found us and led me back to your blog!

Thank you for sharing this. You can see that it has touched other lives who have experienced similar grief. So glad our Heavenly Father cares for our children even more than we do.

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful post and lesson for all. Thanks for sharing your story.

Visiting from 2 Sets of Twins blog.

Leah said...

This is a wonderful post! Thanks for letting me know about it. I would love it if you would add this link to my "S.T.E." post. I think my readers would enjoy reading it.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

After a year of fertility, we were finally pregnant! Only to loss my angel to an ectopic pregnancy. But very soon after recovering from my D&C, I got pregnant with Bo.

We have a tree planted in our yard in memory of our angel.

Mags said...

Thanks for sharing! My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 10w. My second pregnancy progressed "normally" until my twins were born at 24w due to my incompetent cervix. I had such high hopes and dreams for these 3 babies, so much so that I was afraid to try for more. Today, I am blessed with 3 earth angels, but I think and pray for all of them each day.

Keri said...

Thank you for putting into words exactly what I have been feeling for the last year or so. I too lost an angel at 8 weeks and everyone just brushed it off. I guess no one can know how attached you become in just a few days, until it has happened to them. Thank you for sharing!!