Saturday, June 6, 2009

Where Do I Go From Here?

How can this be happening to me, I’m a caregiver…not a patient!

What do you mean you don’t know why my body is doing this?

Hey, I’m a control freak…how could my life be so out of control in this area?

As a nurse, I have put much trust in the fact that doctors can diagnose illness. That they can reach into their brilliant minds, open up a mental chapter, and come up with a good answer.

Unfortunately, this has been a problem that my doctors have not been able to come to the bottom of. Where do I go from here?

1)First things first…

I’m Down on My Knees…Where I should have been all along.

I really had not given this to the Lord. Laid it at his feet and really admitted that without Him, this situation is impossible. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I had turned my back on God, but I have been trusting doctors with this problem and not taking this to Him.

I was running scared, and trying to be in denial as much as possible.

The bottom line…What if I gave it all to God, trusted him and his answer was…It’s time to come to Him. The thought of dying is acceptable… BUT NOT NOW! I want to be here for my family. I want to raise my kids with Firehubby. I don’t want to leave them yet!!!

These were the thoughts that were keeping me from giving this to God fully. It was easier to be in denial then face this head on.

This is not correct thinking. I needed to give it all to Him, every last fear and thought. (Not that He did not know every one anyway!)

I need to keep my focus on the fact that my Lord loves me and that He is 100% TRUSTWORTHY.

It is a shame that it took this going to such an extreme to get my attention to where I need to be spiritually, but now I am looking in the right direction… UP!

2)The next thing…

I am going to do is to see an Internal Medicine Specialist

The Intensive Care Attending Physician recommends that I get all of my testing from various doctors reviewed by one specialist and get the big picture of my problem. It is possible that there may be gaps in the testing that I have had, and that there may be more avenues to explore.

3)Finally…

If that comes up without an answer, I am going to find an expert somewhere to help try to figure this out.

But for now, I am feeling better as each hour passes. I am trusting God to get me through this. I am thankful all of you, my wonderful family and friends.

Hoping you are all having a great weekend!


23 comments:

mama's smitten said...

Oh Julie, it is so good to hear from you! I can only imagine that it is very natural to feel the way that you were feeling emotionally. Prayers that answers will come....
I wanted to mention to you that I removed part of my post regarding M's allergy. Nothing serious happened it was just i was letting my fear get the best of me about flying with her. We have never flown before basically because I am afaid of the what ifs on board a plane and her allergy ! But my post sounded pathetic! A total " poor me" venting session. I kind of came to a realization like you that I need to give it to God. Although I am still nervous I am praying that I will find peace with the fact God is control. And hoping the plane ride won't seem soooo long!:0!

Beth E. said...

Julie,
I am so relieved to read a post from you! Praying for God to take full control, and for Him to reveal to the doctors exactly what is causing your problems!

Blessings...
Beth

Anne Basso said...

It's hard to give things to the Lord when, by doing so, you're admitting that you may not like the answer He gives. But, ultimately, He's going to give that answer anyway, and we'll find a lot more peace by letting Him lead and teach us than we will be fighting against Him.

That doesn't mean it's easy! Peace to you, Julie, and my thoughts and prayers remain with you.

Gracie said...

It is good to hear from you, Julie. He tells us in Ephesians 3:20 that "He is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever think or imagine." I know it is hard being the Patient when you are use to being the Nurse. Still praying for you my dear friend. =)

He And Me + 3 said...

Amen...Praying that they can get some answers. So this doesn't happen again.

Rachel said...

So glad you're improved and home.

Praying for answers, for guidance and wisdom in decisions, for the right people to be placed in your path, and for healing.

Trusting is so hard Julie! Somehow I think it's even harder to entrust our children's lives and health... and God speaks quietly about trusting our own lives to Him too.

Thankful that you are pulling something good out of all this.

Though next time you don't have to scare us all to pieces so much ;) Love you sweet friend!

Casey said...

It is hard, isn't it? Thanks for reminding me how important it is that I remember to do this too.

Glad you're back!

Morgan said...

Julie-

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. I Hope that you get some answers soon. How awesome that you can give such a great testimony to the Lord throughout everything you're going through!

Will you get to take some time off work until you get things figured out?

I'll continue to pray for you Julie.

Morgan

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

I know how hard it is to give it all to him. You are like me & want to be in control. I'm praying for you, my friend.

Aspiemom said...

I'm glad that you are feeling better and I very glad you're giving it all over to the Lord. Now, don't take it back! That's what I do. I'm an "indian-giver." I'm trying to trust God more than I was, also.

I hope your new Internist is able to put things together and help you.

Pam D said...

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
A situation like yours is truly a wake-up call, not only to you, but to all who are witnesses. What do we hope for? What do we "see"? What should we be looking for? And do we really trust the plan that God has in place for each of us? BIG questions.. but if we really search, we'll discover answers that will bring us both hope and great peace. I am SO glad that you're home, Julie... you've become one of my favorite bloggers, and I just have a feeling that you're an IRL true friend to those who are lucky enough to know you. Praying that anwers will come; praying even harder that God will sustain you no matter WHAT those answers may be. Prayers and hugs....

Orah said...

Julie, I am so happy you are home and feeling better and working your way to full recovery. I hope all the avenues you take direct you to resolving this issue. Here is wishes for good health and long life to you and yours.

Melissa said...

So glad you're home...I hope they can get you some answers....stop by when you get rested...I have something for you!

Becca~TimeWellSpent said...

So glad you are home and doing better. Praying that the specialist will have answers. I'll also be praying not only you but the medical people you'll be coming in contact with, for their discernment of your health and what could be causing all of this.

Belle (from Life of a...) said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a struggle. I've been rushing around so the past couple of days that I'm just catching up tonight. Take care of yourself. I know it has to be hard to sit back when you're usually in the role of caregiver. While we, your blog friends, can't be with you in person, please know that we're there with you in spirit.

Elaine at Matters of the Heart) said...

So glad my friend is home. Continuing to pray with you.

Tim said...

Oh Julie dear friend!

I feel so bad that I am just now learning of this. I am out of town now as I drove my family to Dallas to see a good bloggy friends hubby off to Iraq, as well as welcome a bunch of our troops home!

I had no idea that this had happened again. I will get a PR post up about it as soon as i get back. Dont forget as a Prayer Soldier at The Fort to let me know of these things when you can or anything else from people you know that need prayer so I can get the word out to all of our Prayer Soldiers.

We love you so much and for sure have you in our prayers daily now. We have put our faith in the fact that God will work thru the doctors and specialist to help correct this for you so you can continue to live and healthy life.

Love and Prayers,

Tim

Lori said...

Hi, Julie! My computer was in the shop for almost a week and I wasn't able to keep up with blogland. Boy, was I surprised to see that you've been in the ICU. I'm sooooo glad to hear that you're feeling better. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you will get some helpful answers to you medical condition soon.

E @ Scottsville said...

Goodness, it just hurts my heart to hear all that you're going through, Juls. I'll just keep praying for you AND for your doctors so they can figure you out!!! Why do you have to be so stubborn? Goodness... between YOU and STELLAN!?!

{{surely you know him, right? right! thought so}}

Your comments on my blog today had me smiling ear to ear. I knew YOU'D get mine even if Firehubby didn't!

renee said...

the unknown is the worst. it seems to be so much easier to process and accept when we understand what's going on inside our bodies.

this is something that i cling to when i'm having a hard time with life/body stuff...hope it helps...

"when we find humility before a loving and holy God, we find relief from our endless questions. what God asks, is for us to employ the faith He gives and trust His obvious wisdom and knowledge. He has demonstrated His worthiness; now, can i walk humbly before Him and trust Him with the mysteries??"

i'm praying for you Julie. your friendship across the miles means the world to me.

love you lots!!!!!!

Mighty M said...

Glad you are feeling better (and blogging) Julie! I can't imagine how frustrating (and scary) it is to have severe allergic reactions and not really have much guidance in how to deal with it, but I know you have the perseverance to keep on pushing until you can get some answers!! Hang in there!!

Beth in NC said...

Julie, health scares are scary! I will lift you up in prayer.

Love,
Beth

grandma mac said...

OK...what I think is "funny" is that YOU are asking yourself about "faith". I have only read your blog for a short time, yet, I feel "connected to you"...but the one thing that I have NEVER even considered, before knowing of your "illness, affliction"...was your FAITH...it came through....Julie, the job that you have, the life that you lead...I feel the faith that exudes...from your blog...God knows this, you may have been afraid, of course, you were, but...we all become afraid when the "end is staring us in the face"....but girl...you stare it in the face for all those mothers every time you have to be in a labor/delivery room and see the "stats" slowly going down. You become the warrior, the "faithful wifemomnurse" that you are.

So...keep your faith...you are meant to be among us for a long time, I am sure...and keep smiling...have a terrific one....deb